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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

So I’m sure you’ve just been DYING to know more about my “King Arthur” experience. And frankly, I’ve been dying to tell you. (Ok, that first sentence was sarcastic and that second one wasn’t.) So here goes.

I get to the actual theater where the movie is being shown. There are two security guards hanging out by the door and they ask to see my purse. There were no weapons of mass destruction, so it was all good. But then the other guy had to wave the magic wand of metal around me. And I didn’t know if I needed to spread my arms or not, so I put them out. But then I felt stupid, so I put them back down. But then I realized that they should probably be out, so I stuck them back out. Again, I felt stupid, so back down they came. Then guilt overwhelmed me, and I put my arms back out. However, the overwhelming feeling of stupidity overwhelmed me and I put them back down. At this point, I looked like I was preparing for take off. And it took longer for you to read this than it did for my brain and arms to work their magic at the theater. So the guy looks at me like I’m an idiot for flapping my arms. But he lets me in anyway.

So like I mentioned earlier, it was a FREE SNEAK PREVIEW, so there were, of course, radio station people standing the hallway, getting ready to “pump” the crowd up. There were two women on my right and a man on the left. This was a pretty narrow hallway, mind you, and I was prepared to NOT hit these people. Except that I overcompensated for missing the ladies to my left and PLOWED into the guy on my right. Like seriously, if there hadn’t been a wall there, I would have completely taken the guy out. Instead, I chose to sandwich him against the wall and then step on his feet. (He had sandals on, I could feel them.) That poor, poor, poor man. I still can’t figure out how I managed to do that. I guess I sort of lost my balance in the dark and in my effort to avoid the ladies on the right, I swerved in to the left wall. (I am one of those people who often walk into walls and doorways.) And sadly, he was right there in my path of destruction. I apologized as I ran away and he was very gracious and kind, despite the fact that he just had a close encounter of the lil-kind.

I had gotten there a little early and found three good seats in the back. I plopped myself down and resisted the STRONG, STRONG, STRONG urge to get popcorn for the movie. I was determined to not lose my awesome seats and especially determined not to see the man with the lil-print on his body again.

So here’s breakdown of the movie. There aren’t any really famous people in it. Well, that’s wrong. There aren’t any actors who are famous in America. Keira Knightly is the most recognizable face (“Bend it like Beckham,” “Pirates of the Caribbean,” and “Love Actually.”) The rest of the actors are European and they all look like someone you do know.

For example, King Arthur bears a striking resemblance to Dylan McDermott from “The Practice.” And that can’t be a bad thing. Ever. Lancelot looks like someone who I’ve yet to identify, but trust me, he’s familiar looking. If you figure out who he looks like, let me know! Gawain also looks familiar, and dangit, I can’t think of who it is either. Maybe it’s because he sort of reminds me of Tenderheart Lion. Anyway, my personal favorite was the bad guy’s son. He looked a whole lot like my old youth minister, Marty. So every time he came on screen, I was like, “Why is Marty shaved completely bald with a really long, braided goatee?”

But don’t worry if you don’t recognize these guys. Most of them are pretty dang hot. What is it about dirty men with large swords and long hair? For some reason, that is a guaranteed attractive factor. (Think about it, Mel Gibson in “Braveheart,” Johnny Depp in “Pirates of the Caribbean.”) Weird.

I had really only two problems with the movie. The first being the main bad guy. I have no idea what his name is, but he wasn’t a really great actor. He came off like an old Nascar driver. Everybody else in the movie is sporting awesome British accents, except for this guy. He sounds like a redneck. Like a pro-wrestler gone bad or something. And the way he delivers his lines…oy. I’m just glad he is the BAD guy.

Secondly, there is only one female lead. In fact, from what I can remember, only three women actually speak in this movie. And only one of them has a substantial amount of lines (Keira Knightly). One girl is just an extra with one line and the other girl is pretty minor. So that sucks for my girl power trip. But it’s great for my “let’s watch manly men be very manly” trip.

So overall, a good movie. A little violent and a few inappropriate moments, but really entertaining. It has some seriously funny moments and then some heart wrenching ones. And I liked the twist on the King Arthur tale. It’s a refreshing new approach. So go see it!

And just so you know, Tristan is MINE. Come to momma! ;0)

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