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Monday, July 12, 2004

**note** i pondered not posting about this subject until after my term as a missionary was up. but i've decided that it's ok to post it NOW, at this very moment, while i'm going through it. granted, i still think it's a subject matter that's a bit too scary for me to undertake and i'm still a little unsure if it's a great idea, but i'm tired of not being open. and there's a certain peace that comes from being vulnerable. i'm not sure why that is, but oh well. i guess it's my way of "getting things off my chest." so, here goes...

remember that post a long time ago about former OBU-ers? well, myles' blog was among them. normally, he is too deep for me, but lately, he's totally been speaking my language. his latest post was eerily perfect for my life rite now and it thrills me to know that i'm not the only one. in fact, i am finally putting it together that i've never been the only one.

ok, i'm way ahead of you. let me try to explain better.

last nite, we went and saw six steps perform. it was FABULOUS, as always, and it was BEYOND WONDERFUL to see robin. (on a side note: i have missed her more this summer than i thought possible. the only reason i can handle it is because she's having a great time and doing something of value this summer.) anyway, i realized it was the first time i have darkened the door of a church in quite a while. (in fact, i've been avoiding church for a good month now.) i slipped out at the end of the service for a much needed bathroom break and then decided to sit outside of the sanctuary for the invitation and offering. there was a cute little sitting room outside of the ladies' bathroom and i chose this as my resting place before "robin reunion" time started. here, my thoughts began to wander as i listened to the people sing "just as i am." the title of the song struck me as ludicrous, because there was no way i wanted to go before God just as i was. see, my relationship with God has been wacked out for a while now, but it's really come under fire this past month. i was trying to pinpoint when this downhill season began, and what exactly triggered it. i kept thinking about all of the things that have gone on and one thought kept creeping into my mind, but i kept pushing it aside. this thought has been haunting me for some time and i have refused to give it time to grow. anytime it wanders in my brain's thought pattern, i simply squash it. i generally take the scarlet o'hara attitude and tell myself that "i'll think about it another day." but for some reason, i felt bold enough to face the thought last nite. i realized that i couldn't keep playing like everything is alrite. the only way things were ever going to get better was if i faced reality and took on the problem head on. and so i finally had to admit it.

i am mad at God.

not just a little miffed or a bit peeved, but whole-heartedly PISSED OFF at God. and this scares me. i am a freaking MISSIONARY, for crying out loud! i don't have the rite to question my faith or doubt the beliefs that i've held so dear for so long. i guess i feel like i'm letting down the entire southern baptist convention if i admit that i'm annoyed with the creator of the universe. but there it is. the truth, plain and simple. i am MAD at God.

i'm not sure where to go from here. but things must change. there's no other way around it. i can see that if i keep living the way i have been, my heart will be a cold, lifeless rock. and i remember back when it was a fire that burned hot with passion. i have become numb because i am avoiding God and His word. and i've been avoiding Him because i don't want to hear it. i don't believe it rite now and i feel so ignored and so unloved and so not seen. kinda like the guy in psalm 88. except that that guy is way ahead of me because he kept on crying out to God in the silence. i gave up on that a while back.

i am sure there will be more on this subject later. but for now, i am spent.

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