Tuesday, July 27, 2004

if you're a faithful iceegirl reader, then you're probably going, 'WHAT THE CRAP HAPPENED TO HER BLOG!?'

i wasn't sure why i completely changed the look and feel at first. all i knew was that it was pretty and pink and i was happy with it. but while i was reading, the need to post FINALLY hit me. and i realized it had something to do with the pretty pink template. it represented a change, a difference, a chance to start over.

see, this past week, i've been sincerely wishing for a "do over." (you know, like the one billy crystal talks about in "city slickers?") i want a clean slate; i want to erase my past and start all over. i want a new life. (sometimes, i wish i could take up everclear on that offer to "buy you a new life." if only it were that easy.)

why all the wishing for the time machine? because for the first time in my life, i am deeply struggling with regrets and honestly wishing i could go back and do things differently. and that scares me. i used to be okay with my mistakes and was able chalk them up to learning experiences necessary for forming the lil i was then.

but not anymore.

i am different now. i despise my past two years here. i hate it with a passion. i desperately want my life to work like a giant etch-a-sketch and shake away my term as a US/C-2er. maybe get a giant bottle of white-out and make it ALL GO AWAY.

but i can't.

see, i don't like the lil i am now. i think she's annoying and whiny and weak and stupid. she feels things she shouldn't, thinks things she shouldn't, and does things she DEFINITELY shouldn't. and it's like i can't stop her. she's barrelling on like a train. only this train has run off the tracks and is now ripping apart the pretty grass and taking out innocent bystanders. and this "out of control" feeling isn't something i like. (shocker there)

i hate my life rite now. really, i hate it. well, that's probably a lie. i hate myself. i hate who i've become. i look around me and wonder how the hell i got here. everything has changed. gone are the days when i childishly believed in God. gone are the days i believed in love. gone are the days when i knew everything would be alrite. because now i know, everything might not be alrite. because this could just be the very tippy top of a FREAKING HUGE ICEBERG. but i digress...

back to the template changing.

i'm not the same girl who started this blog 7 months ago. back then, i still had faith. i still BELIEVED in things.

first, i believed every single word of the Bible. my faith in God was my rock and though it had gone through shaky periods, my relationship with God was something i could always rest my feet upon. He was my rock. He was the reason i lived and the reason i did my job. He got me out of bed in the morning and helped me sleep at nite. He was it.

i also believed in matt's love and knew (i mean KNEW) that we'd get back together. what we had was true and i was convinced that it couldn't be over forever. that's just not how love worked. or so i thought. what a bitter realization to find that you really can love and lose without the other person dying! it was matt who kept me up at nite, it was matt who i thought of when i saw happy couples, it was matt who haunted my dreams. and i lost him. i'm still figuring out how to live with knowing i ran off the best person in my life. (i realize that you might be thinking 'BIG JERKFACE!' about dear matty. and as much as i sometimes agree with this, i know that he is not. he is a wonderful man who deserves the best in life. too bad it still hurts to think that he believes his best is not me.)

and finally, i believed i was good at my job. not awesome, by any means, but i still saw a point to being a missionary. i wasn't fed up with vocational ministry. i had a desire to minister to college students and show them the love of Christ. i wanted to make a difference in ohio. i wanted to work for the kingdom. i knew i was a servant and took that call seriously.

and that old template represented this. it was cute and playful and (relatively) care-free. and that was basically me 7 months ago. a cheery little icee-drinking missionary. a girl who always hoped, always trusted, and always persevered (okay, okay, not ALWAYS, but for the most part.) and i'm not even close to any of those anymore. i feel old and gray on the inside. i am battered and worn and unable to fight. there is no spunk or zest or feistiness. all that's left is a shell resembling that girl. her hopes and dreams have been replaced by disappointment and bitterness. she no longer loves and no longer cares. she is empty. and scarily enough, i'm ok with that. because i don't see the point of getting up and fighting the good fight. i am defeated. i lost. and now i must walk away from that old life and forge a new one.

and someday...maybe someday...there will once again be faith, hope, and love.